Impending doom crept into my being when I was very young. The fact is, probably when I was born and as I grew bigger, it grew worse all the way into adulthood. It has caused a terrific amount of pain and I’ve lost many hours to it. I’ve said numerous times, this has got to stop but the demon did not stop.
It came from my mother, who was born to an unwed woman in 1908 and was raised in several foster homes. Never knowing her mother or father she searched for years trying to locate them and the parental love she never got.
Her tragedy was my reward and my terrible demon.
My reward? My Mothers lack of parents helped her become a loving mother. The demon was that my mother was a control freak.
She always feared something bad had happened if I were just minutes late.She had to control absolutely everything.
As a result, all of my life, I also feared something bad had happened to my kids if I didn’t hear from them regularly.
That fear would cause worry and my imagination would run always to the negative, to the worst happenings and then I would obsess on that fear.
Impending doom stole hours of peace and replaced that with worry. I recall one time my mother was supposed to be home at a certain time and she didn’t show up. I was probably 10 years old at the time.
When she came home, it seemed like she was an hour late when in reality it was probably twenty minutes. I freaked out and started yelling and crying. I told her all the bad things I had been thinking and imagined and she told me not to worry because she was home, safe and sound. I can’t recall if she apologized or if my first session with impending doom caused her to think about her problem with the gloom of doom or not. The impending doom didn’t end. . .it grew.
I joined the army in an effort to get away from the doom. I didn’t get away from it. I married and was father to three children. The doom grew stronger and seemed to affect my daughter most of all, probably because I raised her from the time she was six years-old.
I struggle with the feeling, the belief, that life is always going to end in doom until I realize that only I can change that.
I, with the help of God.
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Jerry writes on personal growth, happiness and life, including lowering stress in the work world. His book “Life is a Joke and God Wrote it” can be ordered through www.jerrystanecki.com
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